Tuesday

and i try, o my God do i try, i try all the time

proud flesh
scarred flesh,
flesh healed from a wound,
said to grow back stronger--practically impervious to harm ...

there was a time I was already unharmable, but I wasn't as strong.


acceptance is a always a matter of choice, love always a matter of preference. If you wait until you meet absolute perfection before getting involved, you'll never love anyone and never do anything
...
obviously, compared to the concept, reality is always wrong; as soon as a concept is embodied, it becomes distorted
...
since they were strong enough to wrest me from death, perhaps they will know how to help me to live again. They will surely know.
Either one founders in apathy, or the earth becomes repeopled. I didn't founder.
Since my heart continues to beat, it will have to beat for something, for someone.
Since I'm not deaf, I'll once more hear people
calling to me.
de Beauvoir

I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am I am I am.
Plath



O. Hope.

i miss my beautiful friend

Yes, the thing that you prefer to all others,
you love,
and he was fonder of her than anything else in the world.
Simone de Beauvoir

It is terrifying for the turning of your world to depend upon someone else.
As far as I'm concerned, and the more closely entangled I become with the outside world,
loving someone else
is really the only enduring breath to live by--not that it is the only thing there is, but the
only real thing, despite its illusory skin.
It has been easy for you to call me naive; I do not deny cruelty and manipulation and sad separation between us--I do not deny how sad things are a lot of the time. It's that I want to hope.
And frankly, the only hope I still hold is tied up in love--tangled and diaphanous.

[[What is the thing you prefer to all else?]]


"Only that which is the other gives us fully unto ourselves."


There was no room in them for fear, for anguish; together, they were hoping.
de Beauvoir

Friday

and we laugh like soft, mad children

I was thinking that people have to believe you're crazy in order to take you seriously as an artist. If you're wandering the streets, talking in gibberish, nobody ever asks you to change anything about your art because there's no context for people to look at what you do.
Danger Mouse

DAMN, right?

and:
I guess I just look at talent as a very subjective thing. I mean, if you never tried playing an oboe, how do you know you're not the most talented oboe player ever? The point is that if you don't love it, then it doesn't matter. No matter how naturally gifted you are, it's your passion that's going to make you better and maybe touch some people.
There is no genius--there is only love.
(Danger)


Trust the fever.


But the dreamers of the day are dangerous people, for they dream with open eyes and make them come true.
TE Lawrence

Also slightly non sequitur:
To write a novel is to send a shy valentine to the world anonymously.
Jack Kerouac

And
"I wanna be contaminated by your light"--Katherine McBride (moi, aussi--AMEN)

well, i'm your Venus, i'm your Fire, at your desire

But Ruth replied:
Do not persuade me to leave you
or go back and not follow you.
For wherever you go, I will go,
and wherever you live, I will live;
Your people will be my people,
and your God will be my God.
Where you die, I will die,
and there I will be buried.
May the Lord do this to me,
and even more,
if anything but death
separates you and me.
The Big Book

We have both lost ourselves, but sometimes we reveal the most when we are least like ourselves. I am not trying to think anymore. I can't think when I am with you. You are like me, wishing for a perfect moment, but nothing too long imagined can be perfect in a wordly way. Neither one of us can say just the right thing. We are overwhelmed. Let us be overwhelmed. It is so lovely, so lovely.
Anais

Today I believe in the possibility of love. That is why I endeavor to trace its imperfections, its pervasions.
Frantz Fanon

Tell me a little story about what true love does mean.

Thursday

if you can get it--let me show you how

"ballet of surreality and repetition"--ruminations

from "Fast Cars, Clean Bodies: Decolonization and the Reordering of French Culture ":
concept from Kristin Ross (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kristin_Ross): to target women (comercially speaking) is to hit at the core of civilization itself. hmmm.


from "le petit soldat":
"force is stronger than intelligence" I have a terrifying feeling that in many cases this might damn well be true.



in a scene from "The Battle of Algiers," women of Algeria are used as bomb placers by dressing like the mainstream and smoothly gliding past hardcore security. which only confirms my suspicions that sometimes
the least dangerous ones are really the most dangerous
it seems the ladies' delicate sensibilities combined with the guards' acute sensitivities result in
thunderous destruction. how wrong you can be.
during one scene a woman wearing intricate veils hides a gun and supplies an assasin with it at just the right time. why is it exactly that they didn't think she could very well
pull the trigger?


important notations:
"Let's try to be precise. The word 'torture' is not mentioned in our orders."
"We are soldiers. Our duty is to win."
"Human consideration only causes despair."
"Why are the Sartres always born on the other side?" (to news that Sartre was publishing against the war with Algeria)



I think we cannot let the indecipherable quality of our world alienate us from the humanity in each other. I think other people cannot be obstructions but we must be interested.

i know what i'm needin and i don't wanna waste more time

things missed about Manhattan:
stoops
smell of coffee
people not scrutinizing in the street
smiling at strangers (o relax not all the time)
unaffectedness
complex carbohydrates
people (mostly) picking up after themselves
collective comprehension of fast-walking
people not staring at one's face constantly
Freedom
gay men
sense of humor

Saturday

strangers in the night

Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need of some stranger's hand
In a desperate land
Lost in a Roman wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah



I don't want to fear you but there is so much to fear--can you really question my attempt at optimism?



Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow

Life is very long
Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom
For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.
T.S. Eliot

Friday

she's long gone with her red shoes on gotta find another livin baby

r: Tell me a secret.
: How about you tell me one.
Wait, you're no fun, you can't:
you don't have any secrets.
r: Maybe that's my problem.


I don't think bloodreddark passion is separate from God. God gave us glorious bodies and all the kinds of things we can do with them and intensity and tremulousness and fragility and vulnerability and hunger and desire and hot breath and beating hearts and burning wills, humming molecules. And above all, passion.


I know Henry thinks I'm mad because I only want fever. I don't want objectivity. I don't want distance. I don't want to become detached.
Anais (take that, Impermeables)

besame en todos los lugares donde la luz no mira en las casas escondidas de mi cuerpo donde
viven los deseos que no han volado
como canciones desperdidas


Everything you know about me, I gave you.
Katherine McBride

but i'll repeat myself, at the risk of being crude

if you still want me, please forgive me, the crown of love has fallen from me
The Arcade Fire

Running Running as fast as we can
I really hope we make it/Do you think we'll make it?
Running Running keep holding my hand
So we don't get separated
No Doubt

if you won't write the story, I'll do it.

And this is why I am leaving
And this is why I cant see you no more
cause I dont want to be a bad woman and
I cant stand to see you to be a bad man

I will miss your heart so tender
I will love this love forever
Chan Marshall

maybe i'm a lonely man who's in the middle of something that he doesn't really understand

Sometimes all a woman's got is bein' a bitch.
Dolores Claiborne

Sometime's all a woman's got is her sense of humor.
Mama Quinn's version


the KM's contribution:
take it easy, baby, take it as it comes.
babyboy Jim


all I know is the keeper's the one to have a great big true
l a u g h with--
and it's not always true that the world laughs when you do, honey.
(but it is so that weepy ones are lonely)

Thursday

la la la la la let's live for today

For Desire
Give me the strongest cheese, the one that stinks best;
and I want the good wine, the swirl in crystal
surrendering the bruised scent of blackberries,
or cherries, the rich spurt in the back
of the throat, the holding it there before swallowing.
Give me the love who yanks open the door
of his house and presses me to the wall
in the dim hallway, and keeps me there until I'm drenched
and shaking, whose kisses arrive by the boatload
and begin their delicious diaspora
through the cities and small towns of my body.
To hell with the saints, with martyrs
of my childhood meant to instruct me
in the power of endurance and faith,
to hell with the next world and its pallid angels
swooning and sighing like Victorian girls.
I want this world. I want to walk into
the ocean and feel it trying to drag me along
like I'm nothing but a broken bit of scratched glass,
and I want to resist it. I want to go
staggering and flailing my way
through the bars and back rooms,
through the gleaming hotels and weedy
lots of abandoned sunflowers and the parks
where dogs are left off their leashes
in spite of the signs, where they sniff each
other and roll together in the grass, I want to
lie down somewhere and suffer for love until
it nearly kills me, and then I want to get up again
and put on that little black dress and wait
for you, yes you, to come over here
and get down on your knees and tell me
just how fucking good I look
Kim Addonizio


reunite me with those who have a passion for passion.


‘As our bloods separate’

As our bloods separate the clock resumes,
I hear the wind again as our hearts quieten.
We were a ring: the clock ticked round us
For that time and the wind was deflected.

The clock pecks everything to the bone.
The wind enters through the broken eyes
Of houses and through their wide mouths
And scatters the ashes from the hearth.

Sleep. Do not let go my hand.
David Constantine


We were never meant to worry the way that people do
And I don't need to hurry as long as I'm with you
We'll take it nice and easy and use my simple plan
You'll be my lovin' woman, I'll be your lovin' man
We'll take the most from living, have pleasure while we can....
the grass roots (hippielove)

Tuesday

but before the night is through

"until you've crossed someone's lines, you ain't lived."

Monday

i guess i should've known from the way you parked your car sideways....

There was a little girl,
And she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good
She was very, very good,
And when she was bad she was horrid.
One day she went upstairs,
When her parents, unawares,
In the kitchen were occupied with meals,
And she stood upon her head
In her little trundle-bed,
And then began hooraying with her heels.
Her mother heard the noise,
And she thought it was the boys
A-playing at a combat in the attic;
But when she climbed the stair,
And found Jemima there,
She took and she did spank her most emphatic.
H.W. Longfellow


So Im sitting at a bar in guadalajara
In walks a guy with a faraway look in his eyes...
He said: Ive got as powerful horse outside. Climb on the back, I'll
take you for a ride--I know a little place, we can get there for the break of day
I said: In These Shoes? No way, jose.
I said honey, lets stay right here

Then I met an englishman
O,
he said:
Wont you walk up and down my spine--It makes me feel strangely alive
I said: In These Shoes? I doubt you'd survive. I said
...honey, lets do it.
Kirsty Maccoll


…As though something that winds and chimes in a supernatural harmony is clicking and whirring inside of me…His Smell—oh, God, if I could I would wear your scent around my neck and carry it with me to take a piece of you wherever I go…whispered and delirious: Things I imagine while on my way to dreaming....

to take you in the sun - to promised lands - to show you everyone

…but what is proper to the visible is, we said, to be the surface of an inexhaustible depth: this is what makes it able to be open to visions other than our own. For the first time, the seeing that I am is for me really visible; for the first time I appear to myself completely turned inside out under my own eyes. Through the other body, I see that, in coupling with the flesh of the world, the body contributes more than it receives, adding to the world what that I see the treasure necessary for what the other body sees. For the first time, the body no longer couples itself up with the world, it clasps another body, applying itself to it, carefully with its whole extension, the body lost outside of the world and its goals, fascinated by the unique occupation of floating in Being with another life, of making itself the outside of its inside and the inside of its outside. And henceforth movement, touch, vision, applying themselves to the other and to themselves, return toward their source and in the patient and silent labor of desire, being the paradox of expression
Merleau-Ponty

Oh so don't pay no mind To my watering eye Must be something in the air
That I'm breathing Yes'n I try to ignore All this blood on the floor
It's just this heart on my sleeve that's a bleeding Oh mama don't walk away
You leave me here bereaving from the words so hard and plain
Saying the love that we had was just selfish and sad To see you now with him is just making me mad
Oh so kiss him again just to prove to me that you can and I will stand here and
burn in my skin
R. Lamontagne

you were the strange one<<
darkbeautiful creature
i sketch as I sleep
i was trying to unwrap you

i wanted to scream my fingers down your back,
((Gasp the touch no It’s Not Too Much))
tell you it’d be ok—

you don’t believe me.
Suck my blood
take me in
i’m falling into the
Curl of your lips’ softline
and it’s alright
that there’s no
other way i see no
other way

Crawltome followme
and I will keep your name
in a box in a
thudding cavern inside
inside my enclosed furled recess, where it’s safesafesafe

i will swim in your lifeline
((Do you hear my name in your blood?))

I will wait

wait with my eyes closed
i will feel along the wall
i’ll feel along the wall:

o sweet little darlin’

oh dreammaker, you heartbreaker

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
Paul Varjak: Sure.
Holly Golightly : Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!

thank God I found you.

said I don't wanna leave you lonely, you gotta make me change my mind

Ordinary life does not interest me. I seek only the high moments. I am in accord with the surrealists, searching for the marvelous.

When I look at the large green iron gate from my window it takes on the air of a prison gate. An unjust feeling, since I know I can leave the place whenever I want to, and since I know that human beings place upon an object, or a person, this responsibility of being the obstacle when the obstacle lies always within one's self.

You live in this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book, or you take a trip, or you talk with Richard, and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating...Some never awaken. They are like the people who go to sleep in the snow and never awaken. But I am no longer in danger because my home, my garden, my beautiful life do not lull me.

I enjoy the power of his writing, the ugly, destructive, fearless cathartic strength. This strange mixture of worship of life, enthusiasm, passionate interest in everything, energy, exuberance, laughter, and sudden destructive storms baffles me. Everything is blasted away: hypocrisy, fear, pettiness, falsity. It is an assertion of instinct....It is not madness. It is an effort to transcned the rigidities and the patterns made by the rational mind.

The extent of my innocence would be incredible to him.
Anais Nin


Loneliness is such a sad affair
And I can hardly wait
to be with you again
What to say
to make you come again,
Come back to me again
And play your sad guitar
L. Russel



What if I could never be what you thought?





Why should I care? But I do care. I care about everything.
(Anais)

does she like I do?

Oooh.
I like it when you're dead.
I like it when you kill me.


Modern Romance.

Saturday

And if the snow buries my, my neighborhood

During the few days that Ingrid had lived with Rigaud in the Rue de Tilsitt it had been snowing in Paris, and they hadn't left the flat. Through the big windows in the salon they looked at the snow covering the Place and the avenues all around, and enveloping the city in a blanket of silence, softness and sleep.
...
I too would have liked to go away instead of going around in circles on the periphery of this town like someone who can no longer find any emergency exits. I so often have the same dream: I'm on the landing stage, waiting to take off, my water skis on my feet, I'm gripping the rope and waiting for the speedboat to move off and tow me over the water at top speed. But it doesn't move.
P. Modiano

They always ask if we're in the military;
we just get restless
we want for stimulation
we need a new start.

You climb out the chimney
and meet me in the middle,the middle of the town.
And since there's no one else around,we let our hair grow long
and forget all we used to know,
then our skin gets thicker
from living out in the snow.
Arcade Fire

Monday

I used to see a weeping willow, cryin' on his pillow

Me, I'm a part of your circle of friends
and we notice you don't come around
Me, I think it all depends on you
touching ground with us. But,

I quit. I give up. Nothing's good enough for

anybody else
it seems. And I quit. I give up. Nothing's good enough for anybody else it seems.
And being alone is the best way to be.
When I'm by myself it's the best way to be.
When I'm all alone it's the best way to be.
When I'm by myself nobody else can say...
Edie Brickell



I bet you could never tell
That I knew you didn't know me that well
It is my fault you see
You never learned that much from me
...
I bet your fortressed face
Belied your fort of lace
It is by the grace of me
You never learned what I could see
Fiona Apple

i do all my bad habits in private<<

prone to self destructive ten

dons- snap rip click-

like trying the same over & over though i

know it leads nowhere and it

doesn't matter atall if you find this

doubtful, I believe, which is

sufficient:

that much awareness drives a girl crazy.

less interested am I now in how many paintings I've

drained for you and

more shrieking-taloned-angry at how many

I have lost on myself.

I repeat: fuerzafuerzafuerza

but remain Skittered Scared Small, Sinking, Slowly

(i didn't want to be the perfect one but it was hard to stop trying, being that it was my very only and many times self-sung bedtime sonnet; my first word was "stuck" and it's time for the End of Indecision what a silly rhyme to go on continue keep repeating)

spend some time

not waitingwatching for me to fall

down, bump my head (and didn't get up in the

morning)

I at least know better now to have this

conversation with myself--not with you, you are

a ghost of even my most

savage dream and

yes,

I really do mean that.

you can't be trusted, you with your jilted

laugh that betrays your babyteeth:

I knew it.

Saturday

just leave it all up to me

A little less conversation, a little more action please
All this aggravation aint satisfactioning me
A little more bite and a little less bark
A little less fight and a little more spark
Close your mouth and open up your heart and baby satisfy me
Satisfy me
.........
Come on baby Im tired of talking
Grab your coat and lets start walking
Come on, come onCome on, come onCome on, come on
Presley, baby

(you know what they say):
if you can't stand my fire, get outta my kitchen.